I hate the feeling that it gives me. This pit in my stomach, the lump in my throat, the hard pounding of my heart. Why do I have to be jealous of pregnant women?
It is crazy the things that can set it off. Today I was watching 16 and pregnant and got jealous, seriously. In no way would I ever want to be in the shoes of those young children, but I just want to scream THAT ISN'T FAIR!!! Here are these kids that didn't necessarily want to get pregnant, and boom here's a kid for ya. What about me? What about the thousands of couples/men/women who struggle with infertility?
I want to know that if I feel like trying to have baby #2 I could. I could just get pregnant like these people I see. That isn't the case though. We have to plan, have surgery, recover, chart, test, try again and so on. But here is Suzzie Joe on Facebook announcing "oops baby #3 is on the way" when she complains about baby 1 and 2 all day long. I don't think I would trade to be in these people's shoes, but man I just want this part of my life to be "normal".
Maybe it's the hormones...I started the rest of my hormones the other day and it has thrown me for a loop. I have been crying at movies again, crying over how fast Eliza is growing, and getting irritated easier. The good news, I am sure most "fertile" women would disagree, my period came yesterday. It seems as though the scar tissue on my cervix has not reformed and it is open. Yah!!! maybe?? I mean what woman is really excited over a period? At least it is a step in the right direction.
My DR would like to perform the surgery soon but we are going to wait. I think I will consult with her when we get back from our vacation in June. I want to put off being pregnant until early next year. As much as I would love to be pregnant now, we are thinking of taking Eliza to Disney for her birthday in December and I want to make sure I can enjoy all of it.
This is what I love about blogging, I feel so much better now. I know there are people out there in blog world who get it. Women struggling with infertility, or maybe even Ashermans. I know we all feel this way at some point, and I don't think there is anything wrong with it!
|36 weeks pregnant with Ellie Boo|