I hate the feeling that it gives me. This pit in my stomach, the lump in my throat, the hard pounding of my heart. Why do I have to be jealous of pregnant women?
It is crazy the things that can set it off. Today I was watching 16 and pregnant and got jealous, seriously. In no way would I ever want to be in the shoes of those young children, but I just want to scream THAT ISN'T FAIR!!! Here are these kids that didn't necessarily want to get pregnant, and boom here's a kid for ya. What about me? What about the thousands of couples/men/women who struggle with infertility?
I want to know that if I feel like trying to have baby #2 I could. I could just get pregnant like these people I see. That isn't the case though. We have to plan, have surgery, recover, chart, test, try again and so on. But here is Suzzie Joe on Facebook announcing "oops baby #3 is on the way" when she complains about baby 1 and 2 all day long. I don't think I would trade to be in these people's shoes, but man I just want this part of my life to be "normal".
Maybe it's the hormones...I started the rest of my hormones the other day and it has thrown me for a loop. I have been crying at movies again, crying over how fast Eliza is growing, and getting irritated easier. The good news, I am sure most "fertile" women would disagree, my period came yesterday. It seems as though the scar tissue on my cervix has not reformed and it is open. Yah!!! maybe?? I mean what woman is really excited over a period? At least it is a step in the right direction.
My DR would like to perform the surgery soon but we are going to wait. I think I will consult with her when we get back from our vacation in June. I want to put off being pregnant until early next year. As much as I would love to be pregnant now, we are thinking of taking Eliza to Disney for her birthday in December and I want to make sure I can enjoy all of it.
This is what I love about blogging, I feel so much better now. I know there are people out there in blog world who get it. Women struggling with infertility, or maybe even Ashermans. I know we all feel this way at some point, and I don't think there is anything wrong with it!
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| 36 weeks pregnant with Ellie Boo |
6 comments:
Aw! I know exactly how you feel! I'm only 24 years old, but my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for 2 years now. The last time I went to the doctor all he could tell me was "Lose some weight and it MIGHT get better." I cried while watching 16 & Pregnant a few days ago. But, as my husband keeps telling me, we ARE meant to be parents and it WILL happen on God's time. Not ours. I will keep my fingers crossed for the both of us and send good thoughts/prayers your way! =]
Thank you Kayla, prayers coming your way too! Remember to be your own advocate. If I hadn't kept fighting for someone to listen to me, I wouldn't be as far as I am(even though it doesn't feel very far). If you are able to, try a different DR. My regular OBGYN told me to try to just get pregnant and if I miscarry then we will do testing, that wasn't a risk I wanted to take. I found a DR who did the testing without even trying to conceive and she was able to give me my diagnosis right away. Remember, we know our bodies better then anyone, doesn't matter what level of education they have, we have intuition.
Thank you! I'm actually researching a few different doctors in the area to find a perfect fit, on top of getting healthier in my life in general. Your blog is a definite inspiration to not take no for an answer when it comes to being a mom. And, although I'm sure it sounds odd to other people, I'm super grateful that we have just had trouble getting pregnant and we haven't had any miscarriages. (A friend of mine had 3 before finally having her daughter a few months ago.) I don't know if I could handle being that excited at the beginning of a pregnancy, only to lose a baby too soon. Thanks for your prayers and for writing your blog! I will continue to read pray for you and your family too! =]
I know how hard that can be. We recently tried for a full year to get pregnant. After seeing a dr. here, I was diagnosed with PCOS, and by some miracle we got pregnant on our own this past Juanuary with twins only to miscarry at 11 weeks this past March. I had a D & C surgery also. Hang in there! The Lord knows the desires of our heart. : )
Jessica I will pray for your. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I also have PCOS and now Ashermans. I am not sure what the plan is, but I am trusting that there is one. I am sure you know, some days are harder then others, but that little smile from Eliza makes it all ok.
Thank you for sharing your heart.
As a couple, we struggled with infertility for YEARS. Simply seeing a pregnant women hurt my heart....so deeply. Watching Teen Mom or 16 & Pregnant, would make me soooo angry. Thankfully, we have been blessed with a sweet little girl through the beautiful gift of open adoption. We wholeheartedly know....this was God's PERFECT plan to grow our family.
I had to learn to hold my tongue when friends or family members would make insensitive comments such as "I am fertile Mertile" or "We're pregnant, yet again" or "If my husband just looks at me wrong, I am pregnant." Couples that have never struggled with infertility...simply don't know. They don't realize their words hurt. Things that comes so easy to them are HUGE hurdle for others. Simply love them regardless.
Thank you again. :)
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