Pitty Party-Table of One

When I was little I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up...a mom. I also wanted to be a police officer, vet, nurse, singer, dancer, and I am sure many other things. As I have mentioned in the past, we did not have Eliza until we knew I could stay home from work. As much of a blessing as that is, and I know many moms wish they could, it is really hard for me.

I got my first job when I was 14. I worked at the hardware store in my town for almost 5 years. There were days I had to walk there because someone wasn't home to take me, but I wasn't going to call in. They were gracious and let me work weekends and holiday breaks from college.

After the hardware store I had 2 more jobs, each for a year but never time off in between, I went from one to another.

I then worked at a local Credit Union for 4 more years. When I lost my job there I was very sad, I didn't know what to do for work. Luckily I found the nanny job I did and then I became pregnant and had Eliza.

It has now been 19 months since I have worked, and it KILLS ME. I had worked consistently for almost 11 years, I am not used to this. The hard part for me isn't being home with Eliza, or not having adult interaction, it is the money.

Not providing my own money to the family is hard. Birthday gifts, Father's Day gifts, Christmas gifts are all because of Mark's money, he buys his own gifts technically. I feel guilty buying myself new clothes, or getting Eliza another toy. We have discussed different ways to budget so that I felt that some money was "mine", but it just doesn't seem right.

This has really gotten to me lately as we continue to look for a house. We found a house that we LOVE, but it is at the top of our budget. We agree that we would be pushing it and compromising the life style we have and enjoy(dinners out, vacations etc). I sat wondering how I could make money, but again I didn't come up with anything.

Last night Mark came to me with a plan. He discussed working more at night and weekends to be able to provide us with some more money each month. This broke my heart. The last thing he needs to do is work more. Yes, we would have the house we love, but he would never be home to enjoy it!

I must stress that the life we have now is pretty perfect. We have a very nice house, nice cars, all the extras anyone could dream of. Eliza has every toy from Toys R Us and every outfit Gymboree has ever made. The issue is that I do not feel the house we have is our home, it doesn't feel like it is where we should be forever. The neighborhood isn't what we want for our kids, and the children are even worse.

I hate to have this pitty party, and Mark provides more then we could ever need, I just wish I could feel as though I contribute.

Any stay at home moms ever have this feeling? I know I give more to Eliza then I could to the family financially and I am thankful for that. It is just difficult when you don't get an actual paycheck.

This year, the estimated salary worth for a stay-at-home mom is $112,962. Now, in no way do I think I deserve that, my cooking isn't the best, my house is usually a war zone, and you don't usually love your job this much. I will take getting paid in hugs and kisses, giggles and screams, and all the wonderful things that come with being a mom over $112,962 any day.