Monday, October 15, 2012

Life Isn't Always Roses

I have been in a funk these past few days...weeks...months. I have been having a hard time blogging. I am just having a pitty party over here.

I haven't wanted to blog about it because I didn't want to seem negative, or ungrateful for what we already have. I don't want to be that blogger that is always a debby downer. I don't want to be the one that you don't come back because you know it is always complaining, but I got some words of encouragement tonight from a fellow blogger, "life isn't always roses". She is right. I am a real person. A real mom. A real wife. I have the same/different issues as you do. My life isn't perfect. I argue with my husband, I lose my patience with Eliza, and I have real life situation that effect me emotionally.

Ashermans Syndrome has me under a spell, I hate it. It is all I think about. It is all I research. I don't know why I feel like I am going to find a new answer. We have our surgery in 2 weeks...that is our answer, I know it, but I don't know why I can't just relax and wait for it.

After MUCH encouragement from family and friends I have started to see a therapist about it. I want to find a way to get over my anger towards the DR who caused this. I want to get over the jealousy I have for others. I want to learn how to just be happy for someone when I find out they are pregnant. Don't get me wrong, I am ALWAYS happy when someone is having a baby, there is no better gift in this world. I just tend to have the "when is it my turn" feeling in my head.

I hate the feeling of letting Eliza down. I don't want her to be an only child because of ME. If it was our choice, no problem, but it isn't. It is because my body can't do it. I know we have other options to give her siblings, but financially they are quite a stretch. I want her to have that connection with someone, and yes I know there is a possibility she won't get along with her sibling, but I want her to have that chance. She is coming into an age where she loves being around other kids, I want it to be her sibling she wants to be around.

I want to become an advocate for Ashermans, not a negative force. I want women to be able to get answers for what might be happening with their body, instead of always trusting a DRs opinion. If I trusted a DR, instead of myself, we would have been trying to get pregnant without success or with the threat of repeat miscarriages. Ashermans is significantly under diagnosed. It took me over a year to be diagnosed. Trust your gut, it is usually right...mine was.

I want women to know that a D&C isn't your only option when you have a miscarriage or complications at delivery. Ask your DR questions, do research, don't just trust their opinion.

So I am putting it out there. I am pissed. I am hurt. I am sad. I want this to all be over and back to "normal". I have the right to feel this way, and I know one day it will get better. Don't ignore your feelings, express them in a healthy way to have a healthy day.

For a little bit of an upper in such a downer of a post...here is Eliza playing hide n seek before bed. She is the GREATEST

1 comments:

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I too have ashermans and tried to conceive and give my daughter a sibling for the last 4 years. I have now moved to adoption, and am planning adoption in Africa. The hardest part is that feeling of failing on my daughter, of not giving her what she deserves. I never managed to get that feeling away. She is now 7 and she knows I cannot have another child in my uterus. We cry together and hope for the day adoption will come through. I too try to always show my strong side. But sometimes I just feel like crying and complaining...
Good luck with your journey!